If you are interested in creating the relationship you deserve, you must first become the best person you can be. Relationships generally begin when both people are in the “Alone Stage,” but what should a person do with this time alone? Each of our past relationships provided us with lessons and information we need to reflect upon. It is my contention that relationships have a greater chance of success when both people have spent some alone time reflecting while unconnected with a lover.

Continuously attracting the “wrong” people into our lives could be a signal that we are not the person we need to be to create a relationship with the person of our dreams. This also means that each “wrong” person is exactly the right person we needed to teach us a lesson that brings us closer to the person we truly want. Therefore, I never look back at my past relationships with regret. Maybe not right away but, over time, I have come to understand that those relationships taught me valuable lessons and allowed me to grow into a better person.

The alone time between relationships is not a time to longingly wish for the next partner to arrive nor to go out prowling for one. Instead, the time between relationships is for healing and important introspection. By using this time to reflect on the relationship, you can discover what that person was there to teach you about life, love, and yourself. You will also be more able to determine who you want to be in a relationship. I’m not talking about playing roles, but about a genuine transformation of yourself into the person who deserves the relationship you seek.

No one dreams their entire life about meeting a mediocre partner—someone who thinks of them sometimes, who loves them a little, and takes care of some of their needs. No one strives to get involved in relationships with people who lie, cheat, and disrespect them. No one asks for verbal or physical abuse in a relationship. So how can we break the pattern of choosing the same type of person over and over again? If you can see each of your relationships as the exact relationship you needed at that point in time, you can then try to figure out what it was about the person that made him or her perfect for you during that period in your life. Once you figure this out, you will have learned a valuable lesson. If you take that lesson and put it to use in your life, then you have one half of the equation.

The other half is about preparing yourself to be the kind of person who will attract the relationship of your dreams. Whatever it is you seek in the partner of your dreams, ask yourself whether you have those same traits and characteristics. If you want your partner to be loyal but there is something in your own character that has caused you to be disloyal, do some introspection and learn what you need to heal to become the person you truly want to be. Relationships act as a mirror that shows us things about ourselves we don’t want to see. When we welcome the information and seek to learn from it, we move closer to becoming who we want to be.

With this introspective reflection, it is also helpful to take an inventory of the traits, qualities, and characteristics we want in our “perfect mate.” When we become crystal clear about what we are looking for, it becomes far more likely we will find it. My list includes having someone to love me for who I am, not in spite of who I am. I wanted a partner with loyalty, integrity, honesty, good looks, intelligence, a sense of humor, romance, and availability (not involved with someone else). I wanted a man who was strong but gentle, decisive but sensitive, and confident without being conceited. I wanted someone with whom I share common interests and someone who didn’t feel the need to control me or compete with me. Guess what? After I was clear about what I was looking for, the “perfect” person for me walked into my life.

Another thing I find extremely helpful during the “Alone Stage” is to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You are totally complete without a significant other to share your life. So often in the Alone Stage, we focus on our lack instead of our abundance. We waste time by looking at the one thing we don’t have, a romance, and feeling sorry for ourselves, instead of putting the gift of time to use for the betterment of mankind in our own unique way.

Allow yourself this crucial alone time. Don’t be in such a hurry to jump into the next relationship before processing the last one. Take time to analyze the lessons of your past relationships. Use the alone time to search inward and assess whether or not you are the person you need to be to allow the person you seek into your life. And finally, focus not on your lack of relationship, but rather on what you can do to help others during this time.

Used wisely, your alone time can truly make an incredible difference in the way you experience your next relationship. Don’t short change yourself. Maximize and leverage the time you have been given between relationships. It is truly a gift.

 Join our mailing list and receive a FREE Tip Sheet, Developing Healthy Relationships: What's Really Important.




    You have Successfully Subscribed!

    Pin It on Pinterest