Are You The One For Me?: Knowing Who’s Right & Avoiding Who’s Wrong
by Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D.

I have to say that this was a book that had me
thinking. I didn’t agree with a lot of what Dr. DeAngelis wrote but in
that disagreement, I did a lot of soul searching. Since I believe that
introspection is a healthy and important thing to do, I do find some
merit in Dr. DeAngelis’ book.

I believe that there are many people who are in
relationships that aren’t working for them and perhaps never did work
for them. Dr. DeAngelis has several quizzes and scales to determine if
a partner is potentially good for you. Her ideas are solid in that she
believes in taking time to get to know one another but I also believe
that she is too categorical in her representations of people. She makes
the bold statement that a relationship can’t work if both partners are
not sexually attracted to one another. I believe that may be true for
many couples, but I also believe there are couples who have a happy
life and marriage and are not sexual with each other.

Dr. DeAngelis speaks of fatal flaws and compatibility
time bombs. She does say that most compatibility time bombs are not a
death sentence for a person’s relationship but they do require time,
energy and a great deal of work to overcome. She makes a great case for
how people who have childhood trauma and injuries often act out their
issues in their intimate relationships. She is good at recommending
people seek professional help to resolve their issues. I agree with
that.

Dr. DeAngelis goes on to list six qualities to look for
in a mate: commitment to personal growth, emotional openness,
integrity, maturity and responsibility, high self-esteem, and a
positive attitude toward life. I agree that these are wonderful
qualities to find in a mate, however, I haven’t met many individuals
who have all six operating simultaneously. This means that if we hold
out for a person who is a “six,” we should be prepared to be alone
while we wait.

Overall, if you believe you may be acting out some
leftover remnant of trauma from your childhood, then I believe this
book could be helpful. Otherwise, I believe that individuals need to
clearly define for themselves what it is they require in a relationship
and not look to any “relationship expert” to define that for them.

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